Today’s Friend-Day Friday blogger has chosen to remain anonymous.

You Put Your Whole Self In
You Put Your Whole Self Out
You Put Your Whole Self In…

I’d known her for about two years, though our interaction was limited to once a month. We met at a prayer group and, while I was relieved she was a woman similar in age and with similar interests, there was no glimmer of hope of a relationship with her.

As a matter of fact, I really hadn’t let my mind go there since that wasn’t at all what I was looking for. I was on the verge of a break-up with my then partner of nearly 10 years and, more than anything, I wanted a friend.

More than a friend, I had found a best friend. Our friendship continued to grow over concerts, late night texting, shared pictures of the sunrises and sunsets, advice given, tears cried, and interspersed laughter. Her sponge-like shoulders accommodated my tears during all of my break-up drama; she was the balm that I desperately needed.

She was dedicated to her single vocation and I, though I found myself single, too,
wanted so very much not to be. I’ve been out of the closet for nearly twenty years. She was single, firmly enclosed in her closet, save to but a few close friends — and had resolved to stay that way.

I wanted to be unsingle with her. She’d been in love once before and, the more I got to know her and the closer our friendship grew, there was nothing I wanted more in this world than to have her heart. It wasn’t available, but we loved each other in a very intimate friendship.

She knew I was in love with her… I didn’t hide it very well. It was during one of those late night chats that, through her gentle prodding, I finally confessed what she had known for months. She didn’t reciprocate my romantic feelings.

Eight months ago I kissed her and she, through her uncertainty, kissed me back. We’ve been a couple since then and my heart is so happy.

I can’t say that my heart is 100% happy because, for the sake of her family who do not know she is gay, I’m back in the closet and begrudgingly silent until she is ready to come out to them. Having to dim the gleam that she puts in my eye, stifle a smile, restrain my hands from reaching for her, discard my Facebook post praising this most amazing, beautiful woman who is also in love with me(!), among other things, is achingly difficult and, truth be told, makes me a little resentful.

She says she won’t be in the closet forever, that she will tell her family, and,
as much as I want to believe her, I don’t. Fear keeps people from doing a lot of things, even this. But I love her
beyond measure and I continue to stay in the closet for her sake though, I hope it’s not forever.

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